‘Do you remember what it was like to love him?’
‘Not really. Sometimes I find echoes of it in other people’s words, and there is a bittersweet moment of recognition. The ache is always strongest then.
I do remember thinking that being with him was like being in a dream though. One spun out of iron and gold. But I think I spent so long trying to forget him that I lost the way into those memories.’
‘Did you succeed?’
‘In forgetting him? No. Forgetting him would be like forgetting myself. He is woven inextricably into me now.’
‘If you could have done anything differently, what would it have been?’
‘I think everything played out the only way it could.
I always try and stay true to myself, and one of the benefits is that looking back I always know that I did what was right for me at the time.
Not necessarily the best thing. Or the smartest thing.
But what was right for me in that moment of time given all that I was feeling.
Maybe I could have voiced all the betrayal and anger and hurt I felt more. Sometimes everything I left unsaid lies heavy on my chest.
It can be suffocating, knowing that he never truly saw the repercussions of his actions. I only ever let him see the surface of what his cheating did to me, and he should have seen it all.
But even that… Even that I don’t think I would really change.’
‘Because there are no quick fixes to healing. I may regret not saying anything now, but I think I would have regretted doing so more.
He would never have understood anyway.’
‘Would you say anything to him now, if you could?’
‘What can you say to someone you never knew?
No. I have nothing to say to him anymore. And I think that’s the saddest thing of all.’